


Regret: A "Perfect" Soldier's Lament

by AntsySerpentine



Series: Processes of Recovery: Healing From Our Pasts [1]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Grief/Mourning, Mentions of Death, Other, Regret, but this is more of a cathartic series for me, poetry kinda, possible themes of ptsd, this is kinda depressing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-11-09 04:51:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17995205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AntsySerpentine/pseuds/AntsySerpentine
Summary: After the death of Felix, Locus is trying to adjust to his losses.





	Regret: A "Perfect" Soldier's Lament

**Author's Note:**

> This is in a poetry format from Locus' point of view on things, and it's more of hearing his thoughts than writing a story.

My mind is at unease.

    It has been

three weeks

   since you've been gone.

Out of most tragedies

   to have befallen us

this was surely the worst to come.

 

I cannot escape

   from it in sleep.

It only grows stronger

 

with

 

each

 

passing

 

hour.

 

The ache is dull

   but the silence

is sharp.

 

When I think I hear

   a witty remark

a snarky quip.

   The familiarity of you

Your voice

   it is merely my own mind

trying to fill in

 

the

 

empty

 

space.

 

I wanted both of us to leave.

 

This was not

   how I wanted it.

This was not

   how I planned it.

  
  


You wouldn’t listen

   You had flown into one of your fits.

You are impossible to reason with

   at that point.

 

I regret that I had to leave

   you behind.

I would have risked

   my own escape

my own survival

   for you.

 

But

   you chose to put your pride

your ego

   your need for control

over me.                    

 

Over

 

our bond

 

our survival.

 

Was it selfish?

   Had I acted

properly?

   Accordingly?

 

We were partners

   survivors.

 

You left me

   when I needed you

the most.

 

And I left you

   when you needed me

the most.

 

I suppose we both betrayed

   each other in that way.

But that doesn’t mean

   that it doesn’t ache.

 

We had been one

   for a long time.

We knew each other

   better than we knew

anything.

 

I don’t know

   what it was that started to cause

doubt in our bond.

   Perhaps it was learning

what we were the most afraid of.

 

You were afraid

   of me. But you

never told me that.

 

To be fair, I never told you

   what I was afraid of either.

 

I was afraid

   of you failing

to recognize who I was

   that you would see me

as the monster

   others see me as

and slaughter me

   like one.

 

It was always a lingering fear

   since the war with the Covenant.

I should have known

   better. You never regarded me

as such, seeing as you

   were the one to push

me into bounty hunting.

 

You were also there to pull

   me along into it, to make sure

I stayed active. You were there

   at my worst and you never left

my side.

 

I still have a hard time

   trying to grasp

what happened to us.

   It was a systematic collapse

of years of trust

   years of conflict

and despite it all

   we managed to make it.

Up until now.

 

I am alone.

   Here with my thoughts

and memories of you.

 

I regret that we never talked

   more. I regret that we were

both too afraid to speak

   of the temple.

 

Perhaps it would have changed

   things, perhaps it wouldn’t

make a difference.

 

I cannot change

   what I did.

I cannot return

   back for you.

I cannot continue

   to stay

in close range

   knowing that while I am hidden

there are people searching

   for me.

 

I was tired,

   Felix.

Tired of trying

   to complete

an impossible task

   that we expected

to complete.

 

We lost

   the fight.

You lost

   your life.

I lost

   my partner.

And what remains

   Of my peace

and mind.

 

I doubt that a simple

   apology will suffice.

You wouldn’t be likely

   to forgive me for it.

But you are not alone

   in that. I must deal

with the consequences

   of the actions

we both committed.

 

I cannot forgive

   myself for what

I’ve done. It is

   the burden that I must

carry for the rest

   of my days.

 

I failed

 

you, Felix.

 

I failed

 

myself.

 

The only question

   that I ask myself

now, is where do I go

   from here, Isaac?


End file.
